Friday, March 30, 2007

This life is funny.....

Well, I know its been awhile and definitely time for a new post here. Things have changed for me since my last post and Im not even sure I can explain how or why, but they have. I was hoping to be able to gather some more insight into my situation before this post, however, I don't think I'll be able to understand exactly what has happened any better in the future. I think I am actually getting used to being sober. It's a really strange thing for me. I am working now, and things have been going well for a few weeks now anyways. It seems like things just keep falling into place for me as long as I trust my higher power. I now have a new job, new computer, and should have a car within a few weeks. Things have happened to me, and a lot of it remeinds me of that Alanis Morissette song called "ironic". Because it's really just like that. I never believed in karma or "what goes around, comes around" before, however, I have become a believer within the past few weeks. It seems as if I do good, just, and honorable things then good things seem to happen to me. Although, life always seems to throw me a curveball right when I least expect it. Recovery seems like it will be easy, when you are sitting in prison. When you get out though, its so much different than what you thought it was gonna be. There are no glorious moments of sobriety, like you imagined. After your spiritual awakening, the glorious moments you have imagined while sitting behind bars just really aren't there. You daydream of getting out being sober and everyone will just love you and think you are so great because you got clean and sober, but its not that way. Its just a normal, sober, life, like many people live. The hardest thing for me to deal with has not been addiction to drugs, alcohol, or even the internet (haha), but an addiction to people, women in general. This was something that was really not possible for me to address while I was in prison, and when I got out I didn't really take care of the matter. I have finally gotten to the point where I can be alone, and it is such a great feeling. I realize that I don't need a girlfriend or significant other in order to feel self worth, and that whenever I do have one again , it will be for the right reasons, because I love her and not because I need something to build up my self esteem. So, in conclusion, the first month out of prison is over, and probably one of the hardest months for me is over now. However, I know April is gonna have some curveballs to throw at me too. I'll be ready. Swing , batter, swing!!!!

3 comments:

Tracy Lewis said...

Thomas,

Great post! I can relate to what you said about people not really thinking that sobering up is anything special.....but I THINK YOUR SOBRIETY IS AWESOME! Even if some of your friends and family think it is no big deal.

In only ONE MONTH - you have accomplished INFINITELY MORE than you ever did in 6mo of using substances! Remember THAT when you're feelin' down about your family and friends misunderstanding you at times.

I am impressed with what you said about your realizations about 'being alone.' That is the hardest thing for recovering addicts to 'Be' - 'ALONE.' If you can maintain your integrity and hope when you're alone, then you will be able to problem-solve well enough - and even learn to recognize when it's time to 'not be alone' anymore.

You ROCK - TBC - ALL BY YOURSELF! Your sobriety today, this moment, doesn't have ANYTHING TO DO WITH ANYONE ELSE! It's about YOU having made the decision to be clean RIGHT NOW!

If you ever doubt on this matter, email me - I will KICK YOUR BUTT and REMIND YOU how you were LAST YEAR! haha - THAT ought to scare you back to your senses, if ever necessary!

teeray~~

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