Sunday, March 11, 2007

Where do I begin??

Well the title says it all. I'm not sure even real sure what to say in this post. I think I may just spend the rest of my life alone, because that I might be able to deal with. I have dealt with all of my past, but the present and the future are what seems to bother me. I'm stuck in a bad situation with what seems like no way out. I honestly believe I will make it, and that is important for me because a year ago I felt no hope at all. I guess the difference between the way that I feel today and from a year ago is HOPE. I can actually envision a future that is better than my past. I only want to get to the point where I can live a normal, sober life. This is so much harder for me right now than anyone could imagine. The easiest thing in the world seems like it would be for me to go pick up a bottle and drown in my misery again. I'm an expert at that. I'm not an expert, actually very far from it at living this way. I wish I could speed up the process a little, and just go right to the good times. I guess thats the way of an addict, always wanting to take the shortcut. The problem is, there is NO SHORTCUT this time. There is no way for me to make everything all better today, or tomorrow either. This is going to take years to get my life back, and I only hope I have the strength to do it. I have destroyed so much of myself, and created this being that I loathe. I spend nearly every minute of the day trying to rebuild my life and my spirit, and controlling my demons. I think Love is one of my biggest problems. I have this need to believe in a love that will probably never be there again. The main problem I face with this is I'm sitting right on the fence. Sometimes I believe in it, which makes me feel the pain of all the wrongs I did to her and also the things she did to me. It's so much easier to not believe, because then I don't hurt, but it also makes me a very cynical and bitter person. Which way do I go? I'm afraid of all the hurt I have went through before, yet there is nothing good on either side. One side is filled with an endless emotional roller coaster, while the other side really promises nothing but an empty life. I have been told by several people that I just need to give it to my higher power, and let it go. The problem is, although I have managed to do this with everything else, there is just this one thing I can't let go. How can I let go someone who I thought was the love of my life? How do you just let go of what you thought was true love? I still think it may be true love, I just don't know anymore. I can't hardly even listen to music, because everything makes me think of her. TV shows, certain foods, almost anything can remind me of her, and for that instant I feel the pain of her not being there. I am very afraid to go for her again though, because after losing her once, I don't think I could deal with losing her again. Many times I think its best just to move on, but the feelings just don't seem to pass. I can't see how I can still have these intense feelings for her, when I have not even seen her for almost a year. I have only talked to her a few times in that year, and even when I did talk to her I wasn't sure what to say. I guess the point I need to get to is where I can remember the good times with her, and just realize they are over, and move on. I only hope someday I will have the strength to move on, or to take the action I need to in order to be with her again. Right now I am stuck in the middle, and it is really not a happy place.


nikki said...

Baby, don't talk like you've lost me forever...i love you Brandon! With every little tiny piece of my broken heart! I'm just not sure what to do either! We have such a bad past together but all the good makes up for the bad! I think we're both more mature and could make it work this time! I'm just really nervous! I've shoved my feelings away for so long now and as soon as you came home they all started to stir together again! I'm so confused but know that I DO LOVE YOU!

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

i havent got time at the mo to reply properly but these previous posts might help you get a better grasp of the 'feelings aren't facts' doctrine of aa..

Soultaker said...

Glad to have come across your blog. I too am a fellow addict. I am coming up on my 10 birthday however. I can surley relate to your situation. I wish i could offer some profound words of wisdom. I cannot however as all i did to survive we to keep practicing my steps to success(12), and to keep my "higher power" to the forfront of my daily life. To this day i still think about my drug of choice...But i know in my heart if i slip i am as good as dead. That is what helps to keep me clean.
J Grant
EZ SurfnEarn PS

Jackie said...

Excellent posts.

I am so thrilled you are doing so well. I was worried when you disappeared from the forum for so long and it's so great to see you back and well and getting involved in things again.

I am the worst to give advice so I won't. The AA route wasn't for me and I gave it up after being a member on and off for over 10 years. It is better to go that route if you can but I had to find my own way in this world and now I am comfortable with what and who I am.

Grace said...

Welcome to the world of online recovery. Theres quite a community of recovery bloggers, lots of links from my sidebar :-)