Friday, March 30, 2007

This life is funny.....

Well, I know its been awhile and definitely time for a new post here. Things have changed for me since my last post and Im not even sure I can explain how or why, but they have. I was hoping to be able to gather some more insight into my situation before this post, however, I don't think I'll be able to understand exactly what has happened any better in the future. I think I am actually getting used to being sober. It's a really strange thing for me. I am working now, and things have been going well for a few weeks now anyways. It seems like things just keep falling into place for me as long as I trust my higher power. I now have a new job, new computer, and should have a car within a few weeks. Things have happened to me, and a lot of it remeinds me of that Alanis Morissette song called "ironic". Because it's really just like that. I never believed in karma or "what goes around, comes around" before, however, I have become a believer within the past few weeks. It seems as if I do good, just, and honorable things then good things seem to happen to me. Although, life always seems to throw me a curveball right when I least expect it. Recovery seems like it will be easy, when you are sitting in prison. When you get out though, its so much different than what you thought it was gonna be. There are no glorious moments of sobriety, like you imagined. After your spiritual awakening, the glorious moments you have imagined while sitting behind bars just really aren't there. You daydream of getting out being sober and everyone will just love you and think you are so great because you got clean and sober, but its not that way. Its just a normal, sober, life, like many people live. The hardest thing for me to deal with has not been addiction to drugs, alcohol, or even the internet (haha), but an addiction to people, women in general. This was something that was really not possible for me to address while I was in prison, and when I got out I didn't really take care of the matter. I have finally gotten to the point where I can be alone, and it is such a great feeling. I realize that I don't need a girlfriend or significant other in order to feel self worth, and that whenever I do have one again , it will be for the right reasons, because I love her and not because I need something to build up my self esteem. So, in conclusion, the first month out of prison is over, and probably one of the hardest months for me is over now. However, I know April is gonna have some curveballs to throw at me too. I'll be ready. Swing , batter, swing!!!!

Sunday, March 11, 2007

Where do I begin??

Well the title says it all. I'm not sure even real sure what to say in this post. I think I may just spend the rest of my life alone, because that I might be able to deal with. I have dealt with all of my past, but the present and the future are what seems to bother me. I'm stuck in a bad situation with what seems like no way out. I honestly believe I will make it, and that is important for me because a year ago I felt no hope at all. I guess the difference between the way that I feel today and from a year ago is HOPE. I can actually envision a future that is better than my past. I only want to get to the point where I can live a normal, sober life. This is so much harder for me right now than anyone could imagine. The easiest thing in the world seems like it would be for me to go pick up a bottle and drown in my misery again. I'm an expert at that. I'm not an expert, actually very far from it at living this way. I wish I could speed up the process a little, and just go right to the good times. I guess thats the way of an addict, always wanting to take the shortcut. The problem is, there is NO SHORTCUT this time. There is no way for me to make everything all better today, or tomorrow either. This is going to take years to get my life back, and I only hope I have the strength to do it. I have destroyed so much of myself, and created this being that I loathe. I spend nearly every minute of the day trying to rebuild my life and my spirit, and controlling my demons. I think Love is one of my biggest problems. I have this need to believe in a love that will probably never be there again. The main problem I face with this is I'm sitting right on the fence. Sometimes I believe in it, which makes me feel the pain of all the wrongs I did to her and also the things she did to me. It's so much easier to not believe, because then I don't hurt, but it also makes me a very cynical and bitter person. Which way do I go? I'm afraid of all the hurt I have went through before, yet there is nothing good on either side. One side is filled with an endless emotional roller coaster, while the other side really promises nothing but an empty life. I have been told by several people that I just need to give it to my higher power, and let it go. The problem is, although I have managed to do this with everything else, there is just this one thing I can't let go. How can I let go someone who I thought was the love of my life? How do you just let go of what you thought was true love? I still think it may be true love, I just don't know anymore. I can't hardly even listen to music, because everything makes me think of her. TV shows, certain foods, almost anything can remind me of her, and for that instant I feel the pain of her not being there. I am very afraid to go for her again though, because after losing her once, I don't think I could deal with losing her again. Many times I think its best just to move on, but the feelings just don't seem to pass. I can't see how I can still have these intense feelings for her, when I have not even seen her for almost a year. I have only talked to her a few times in that year, and even when I did talk to her I wasn't sure what to say. I guess the point I need to get to is where I can remember the good times with her, and just realize they are over, and move on. I only hope someday I will have the strength to move on, or to take the action I need to in order to be with her again. Right now I am stuck in the middle, and it is really not a happy place.

Monday, March 5, 2007

New blog, intimate thoughts.

Well, things are not going too badly, all things considered (since this is coming from a recovering drug addict who just got done doing prison time). I have been posting at a lot of the addictions forums, but I feel like writing on this blog is the best way for me to get my feelings out. In turn, getting my feelings out is good for me. I have now been out of prison for five days, after having been 'in' for nine months. Life is pretty strange so far, but I guess I am starting to get used to being in the world again. There are so many things to worry about here out in the world, as compared to being in prison - which was about as stress-free as one can get. I have been sober for 280 days now, only five of which have been sober days spent out of prison. I have so much to do, so much to think about - but means to do ONLY SOME of it. I guess I have to let my Higher Power take care of the rest. My ex-girlfriend has kinda come back into the picture since I've been home, and I am a little confused about this - I mean...she broke my heart so badly before, but I do still love her. I'm just not sure if a relationship could ever work out or not. I'm not even sure if I believe in love anymore. It's really hard to explain. It's like - if I believe in true love, then looking back on the things that have happened just hurts too bad and I know I will end up drinking or something worse in order to avoid the hurt. But then again - how can I live a life that is WORTH living if it is without love?? Is there life without love? I know what love is, I'm just not sure I believe it is possible or even worth having. If love is not worth it, then what is? I'm just in a strange mood right now, caught somewhere between hope and despair. I have to nourish only the hope and strike down the despair, which is easier said than done. On top of all this, I am working on getting a job. How is it that society automatically casts you out once you are an ex-convict? Everyone has made mistakes and broken the law before. I got a couple of rinky dink felonies for taking some xanax from my dad's house and ending up doing prison time for it. Now, it's like society doesn't want me anymore? Is everyone else perfect? Some members of my family don't even care to be around me or talk to me anymore, which is okay, if that's how they want things to be now. All I know right now is that I have one chance right now to make up for the things I have done - a chance to spread some good in a world that is much too cold. This is my journey. It will be long and hard, but with the Lord's help I will make it through.