Well, its been quite a few interesting days since my last post. I have learned more life lessons, a few the hard way, and it seems like I have to learn all of life's lessons that way, but maybe that is just the way life is. Letting go is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, without a doubt. This is quite a statement considering some of the things I've done and places I have been. Having to just let someone go, and say"There is nothing more I can do" is one of the hardest things I have ever experienced. But, I have held onto this for so much longer than I should have. I have to let it go, it's the only way for me to stay sane. One amazing thing to me is how easy it is for one addict to pull another recovering addict back in. The picture in my mind of it is of all the souls in hell, trying to pull down that one soul that keeps fighting to get out. It seems to me that it's necessary in recovery to reach down every now and then and pull someone out, someone who wants to get out but just needs a hand. However, every time you do, you run the risk of being pulled back in yourself. Thats just the way I see it anyways. Im trying to figure out the way to balance this out, trying to help someone into recovery without getting sucked back into addiction. Maybe I am just not far enough into recovery yet to really do any good at this. Anyways, the girl is seriously killing herself every day, over and over again. It breaks my heart and my soul, and I have been worried that it will affect my sobriety because I care about her so much. I feel like I have to let her go, because my sobriety is more important than anything, for myself and for my children. However it's easier said than done. I will let her go though, because I have to. However should I hear her yelling, fighting to get out of the bottomless pit, I will more than likely turn around and give her a hand.
Monday, April 9, 2007
Friday, March 30, 2007
Well, I know its been awhile and definitely time for a new post here. Things have changed for me since my last post and Im not even sure I can explain how or why, but they have. I was hoping to be able to gather some more insight into my situation before this post, however, I don't think I'll be able to understand exactly what has happened any better in the future. I think I am actually getting used to being sober. It's a really strange thing for me. I am working now, and things have been going well for a few weeks now anyways. It seems like things just keep falling into place for me as long as I trust my higher power. I now have a new job, new computer, and should have a car within a few weeks. Things have happened to me, and a lot of it remeinds me of that Alanis Morissette song called "ironic". Because it's really just like that. I never believed in karma or "what goes around, comes around" before, however, I have become a believer within the past few weeks. It seems as if I do good, just, and honorable things then good things seem to happen to me. Although, life always seems to throw me a curveball right when I least expect it. Recovery seems like it will be easy, when you are sitting in prison. When you get out though, its so much different than what you thought it was gonna be. There are no glorious moments of sobriety, like you imagined. After your spiritual awakening, the glorious moments you have imagined while sitting behind bars just really aren't there. You daydream of getting out being sober and everyone will just love you and think you are so great because you got clean and sober, but its not that way. Its just a normal, sober, life, like many people live. The hardest thing for me to deal with has not been addiction to drugs, alcohol, or even the internet (haha), but an addiction to people, women in general. This was something that was really not possible for me to address while I was in prison, and when I got out I didn't really take care of the matter. I have finally gotten to the point where I can be alone, and it is such a great feeling. I realize that I don't need a girlfriend or significant other in order to feel self worth, and that whenever I do have one again , it will be for the right reasons, because I love her and not because I need something to build up my self esteem. So, in conclusion, the first month out of prison is over, and probably one of the hardest months for me is over now. However, I know April is gonna have some curveballs to throw at me too. I'll be ready. Swing , batter, swing!!!!