Monday, March 5, 2007

New blog, intimate thoughts.

Well, things are not going too badly, all things considered (since this is coming from a recovering drug addict who just got done doing prison time). I have been posting at a lot of the addictions forums, but I feel like writing on this blog is the best way for me to get my feelings out. In turn, getting my feelings out is good for me. I have now been out of prison for five days, after having been 'in' for nine months. Life is pretty strange so far, but I guess I am starting to get used to being in the world again. There are so many things to worry about here out in the world, as compared to being in prison - which was about as stress-free as one can get. I have been sober for 280 days now, only five of which have been sober days spent out of prison. I have so much to do, so much to think about - but means to do ONLY SOME of it. I guess I have to let my Higher Power take care of the rest. My ex-girlfriend has kinda come back into the picture since I've been home, and I am a little confused about this - I mean...she broke my heart so badly before, but I do still love her. I'm just not sure if a relationship could ever work out or not. I'm not even sure if I believe in love anymore. It's really hard to explain. It's like - if I believe in true love, then looking back on the things that have happened just hurts too bad and I know I will end up drinking or something worse in order to avoid the hurt. But then again - how can I live a life that is WORTH living if it is without love?? Is there life without love? I know what love is, I'm just not sure I believe it is possible or even worth having. If love is not worth it, then what is? I'm just in a strange mood right now, caught somewhere between hope and despair. I have to nourish only the hope and strike down the despair, which is easier said than done. On top of all this, I am working on getting a job. How is it that society automatically casts you out once you are an ex-convict? Everyone has made mistakes and broken the law before. I got a couple of rinky dink felonies for taking some xanax from my dad's house and ending up doing prison time for it. Now, it's like society doesn't want me anymore? Is everyone else perfect? Some members of my family don't even care to be around me or talk to me anymore, which is okay, if that's how they want things to be now. All I know right now is that I have one chance right now to make up for the things I have done - a chance to spread some good in a world that is much too cold. This is my journey. It will be long and hard, but with the Lord's help I will make it through.


An Irish Friend of Bill said...

well thankfully you don't need to sort out your WHOLE life problem in one day!
Concentrate on getting your ass to a meeting a day at a time, and prioritizing your recovery, and all that other stuff will sort itself out over time.
Yes those are real questions, but you don't NEED the answer to them TODAY.
Its a cinch an inch, but it's hard by the yard, so just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Find meetings that are FULL of recovery. Find yourself a sponsor with a strong grasp of the programme, and keep coming back!
It DOES get better!
I must admit, I'm not deeply impressed by the ex girlfriend if she messes with your head. like it sounds like she does..
I would advise you to put the ex on the back burner for the first 90 days while you find your feet in meetings. for what its worth..
I know a TON of women who stay with abusive men because 'they love him'. thats not the point. You have to do the RIGHT THING, whether it feels comfortable or not. Recovery is NOT about drifting passively into old comfort zones. NO siree!!
Its a LOT more challenging than that. I'm my opinion anyway.
but don't you worry about that for now, if it does your head in. Just KEEP COMING BACK

criean said...

People abuse substances such as drugs, alcohol, and tobacco for varied and complicated reasons, but it is clear that our society pays a significant cost. The toll for this abuse can be seen in our hospitals and emergency departments through direct damage to health by substance abuse and its link to physical trauma. Jails and prisons tally daily the strong connection between crime and drug dependence and abuse. Although use of some drugs such as cocaine has declined, use of other drugs such as heroin and "club drugs" has increased.

Suffering from an addiction. This website has a lot of great resources and treatment centers.

Peter said...

Drugs have became an grave problem which is faced all over the world. Drugs addict persons should be delighted with love as they need our help and affection to free themselves from the clutches of the drugs. Don't Ever try to taste drug's otherwise you will become the victim of the drug's.
Drug Rehabs